Awkward Things and March

It's March 1st, 2009.

Time really flies. I only have a few months before I am a high school graduate, a legal adult, and a college-bound freshman.

It's strange looking at those words and trying to comprehend that those words will all soon describe me. God willing that is.

I guess this would be a good time to stop, take a breath, and see where things are going and where I'm at.

Let's see...

I feel like I am at an awkward place right now. I think that is a very appropriate word for my current situation. It really describes so many things in my life at the moment.

One of these things is just the fact that I do not know where I am going to college yet, if at all. Who knows, maybe I'll get rejected from everywhere. But the thing that makes it awkward, I guess, is just the anticipation of the news that will determine the course of my future. I am very anxious to know what God has in store for me.

And that's another thing that is kind of awkward. Lately at church we've been going through Ecclesiastes, which talks all about the meaning of life. We've also been going through the book "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper, which echoes Ecclesiastes in a more contemporary fashion. This has taught me a few very important things, but it has also raised an equal amount of questions and confusion.

I know that chasing the things of this world is vanity. I know that in God is where my life's blood should be. Everything should reflect a desire to know and love God. That much is clear to me and I concur completely and passionately. But I still don't know what real repercussions that has on my life's direction. I know what NOT to do, and I know how I should do whatever it is that I choose to do...but I don't know what I am on this planet for specifically.

In other words, I hunger to know what my calling is. I would really like to know what God has planned for me to become and to do. I guess everyone does, but I guess it has been lurking quite a bit in my mind these days as a result of church and my current standing as a senior nearing graduation.

So that's kind of awkward.

Another thing that has been awkward, but is now reaching resolution and reinforcement is my prayer life. After my views on prayer were corrected (as I talked about in my last entry quite extensively), it has obviously been a bit awkward praying to God. I almost feel like I need to relearn how to pray, as strange as that sounds.

But I spoke again with Pastor Andrew today and he helped me very much in understanding the purpose of prayer, as well as it's basic nature and its simple definition. So I hope that I can begin a very good prayer life soon. I have a good feeling about it so hopefully that does become reality. God willing of course.

Another part of my life that is awkward is relationships. Relationships with three people in particular. One is my dad, another goes to my church, and the last one is just a friend of mine. The one thing all three of those have in common is that I have a very difficult relationship with all of them. Two of them don't even speak to me, and vice versa. The other is just hard to work with and an extreme test of my patience and love for others.

I feel pretty weird opening up about this on a blog (which apparently, a handful of people actually read) but I have not spoken to my dad since February 5th. Not that we ever really talked much before that (most of our conversations centered on what I need to fix and improve), but still. My heart is tremendously broken over it. I feel disowned. I just don't understand him. How could he just not want to talk to me? I am his son. I thought he loved me.

I guess it would be very hard for anyone outside my immediate family to understand that current state of things or how they got this way, but it resulted from an argument. Actually, it was more of a dead-end discussion focused on my (and my sister's) desire to have a loving relationship with our dad. We liken him to a boss, rather than a loving father. He tells us what to do, what to fix, do better on, goals to shoot for, etc. He has no idea or care for my life, nor that of the rest of my family's. His life is centered on work and success and supporting the family. And that is all he does. He just works. From sun up to sun down he is working, and this is not even an exaggeration or overstatement. He literally lives to work.

I understand him somewhat. Our financial situation is extremely difficulty right now and he has the duty as the head of the house to shoulder that burden and to work hard to pull us out of it. But it's been this way even when we used to be pretty wealthy. So I know its a matter of his heart, not the exterior situations.

I haven't really been praying about it, or dealing with the issue because I am pretty devastated. This is actually the most thought I've given it since that day he told me he didn't want to talk to me. I just want to have a loving relationship with him. That's it. That's all I've wanted all my life. He thinks that the family is disappointed with him or thinks less of him because he has been having trouble supporting us financially, but that is not true at all. He thinks that money defines him. The more there is, the more esteem he has.

When put on the spot about it by our questions and demands to know why he does this, he simply gave us his life story and explained that he has lived through life a certain way and experienced certain things with his own family. And that that is the reason for his coldness and disinterest in his own family's personal matters. Makes no sense to me. I guess I could give his life story but that wouldn't help make sense of his choices anyway so I'll refrain.

It's a headache thinking about it and wondering why I can't have a loving father. I know, I know. I should be so thankful that I even have a father-figure in my life. Or that my father didn't walk out on the family, etc. But I would rather wonder who and where my father is than to wonder why he doesn't love me. In other words, I would rather have no dad than one who is simply there as a picture of the father I never want to be.

It's very depressing whenever the reality of it hits me. I hope he will one day get his heart and head straight. I would hate to graduate, go to college, etc without even a loving hug, pat on the back, or the words "Well done, my son". The thought alone brings tears.

So I guess my prayer is that my Father in heaven would show me His will. Am I supposed to try and reconcile with the dad who doesn't want to speak to me? What do you want me to do Father? What can I do? Help me. Show me and teach me how to be a good son.

Anyway, now that the whole world knows about that, I guess I am open to suggestions and feedback. Maybe God intends to use someone to help me through this. I know I can't do this alone.

So that's that. I guess the other two people that I am having difficulty with really pale in comparison to the magnitude of this one. So I'll just leave those be for now. But I think I will definitely try to resolve those too this month. Maybe as a warmup for my dad? hahaha

Yup.

March will definitely be a very interesting month. I am anxious to see what kinds of things it brings. I really want to make March a month of absolute refinement though. I want to begin walking in a deeper level of purity, righteousness, love for others and for God, and also maturity.

Oh, and on a side note. I love church. I love God. I experienced for the first time in a very long time alot of compassion and love today and I forgot how great a treasure it was. God is so good to me.

He really really is.