A State of Confusion

I am procrastinating right now.

I have to study for two calculus tests, do some envi.sci homework, work on scholarships etc. But I don't feel like doing it. So I'm going to push it off. There's always time for that and I'm not particularly in the mood right now.

I am pretty exhausted.

I haven't slept much the past few days. I blame this tiredness mostly on MUN. I spent the bulk of my Saturday morning and afternoon at Los Alamitos discussing the situation in the Gaza Strip. So yeah, pretty uneventful. I wasn't really even able to sleep on the bus which made me even more tired. I did end up hanging out with Jon last night around 10pm. He ended up leaving around midnight so naturally, I ended up sleeping at around 2am after I took care of some things.

Then I woke up at 7am today in order to get to church by 9am for praise team practice.

Today's sermon was very good, as it usually is, and I was very much challenged by it. Well, not necessarily challenged, but I was able to better understand Ecclesiastes. King Solomon made some very good observations and I definitely learned a good deal today.

Which was good.

Then I stuck around at church for a while, but left around 2:30 for home. At around 3:20pm I left for Bellflower. I had to hold the annual Divisional Conclave meeting at 4pm. I listened to Nehemiah Band's EP about 2.5 times going/coming and it was cool because I haven't listened to them in a while. I really love Nehemiah Band and have a heightened level of respect for Mike.

So that's what's been up.

Oh yeah. There's some other stuff too.

Lately, I've tasted the bitter taste of "bad news" and "let-downs" quite a bit. I am just about ready to vomit from it. Here is a list of things that have not gone well for me:

1) Did not win a speech contest (I sincerely felt I should have won)
2) Did not get a callback from Hollister or City of RPV (both of which currently are "evaluating" my job applications)
3) Did not get into Irvine yet (all my friends got in already; most of them got into the Honors program with a scholarship offer. I am using this as a gauge for future college feedback so I'm scared)

So that's what's also been going on recently. It's been very sobering and the trials have really exposed to me my lack of faith in God. Such minor setbacks lead me to question God's will and even (almost) His existence/sovereignty. I very quickly reprimanded myself for being so quick to doubt that God's will is not perfect, and for thinking that my will was something of significance.

I had forgotten to trust in Him momentarily.

Glad to say, I am in full trust-mode once again but I am eagerly awaiting to understand why exactly all this is happening. First of all, "Why did God will that those other speech contestants win?" I could really really use that money, unlike the other contestants who I am sure are much better off financially than me or my family.

Secondly, I thought "Why am I not hearing back from those job people? Why am I not getting hired?" It's one thing not to win the contest and win some cash, but I sincerely would like to work and make money as well. I want to be able to support some sort of a lifestyle in which I have some spending money.

Thirdly, "Why did I not qualify for the UCI Honors Program and receive no scholarship offer?" Some of my friends that got in had weaker resumes, save for one or two areas.

I guess all three mostly center around money. I have been expecting/trusting that God would provide for me when I really needed it but He is holding back for some reason that I am not yet aware of. For what purpose is this happening? What does God seek to show me? What do I need to learn/change/fix?

I'm searching for the answers to those questions. Obviously, I am a little bit down. Not due to a lack of trust in God necessarily, but just from the dissatisfaction of not getting things I really wanted.

In terms of my relationship with Jesus, I have been asking for more intimacy and love for Him. I want him to MAKE me love Him with all that is within me. I want every quivering cell and breath in me to love and to honor Him.

I think I know why I have a lack of those things. My prayer life these days has been a bit sketchy, as well as my bible reading. I don't even know why. I guess it's just the routine of things where prayer and bible study always falls towards the end of the night right before I sleep so I tend to make it a lesser priority than sleep. Which is really really dumb and needs change.

Through and through, I am still very thankful of God for this period of just uncertainty and self-evaluation, and reflection. I hope that I will become closer to Him by the end of it. I just can't wait till He pulls me out so I can truly exalt my praise to Him without any grumbling or questioning.

So that is all I guess for now. I am very glad I wrote this entry; it's really helping me to get my thoughts out in a concrete and physical way. This will help me find direction through this time of mild confusion.

And boy do I want to go to a retreat/revival/concert/seminar/conference of some type soon. I am hungering for something like that to refresh myself from the routine of things.

I wonder if any one who comes to my blog reads everything I write here. I will probably be the only one to read these words so I will make this bold promise: the first person to comment this entry with the word "articulation" will receive from me a free lunch/dinner meal (something not too pricey of course). If God wills this to be a means for me to catch up with someone, reconnect with them, etc., that will be very interesting because this is completely random. hahah

I still have more stuff on my mind but I don't really feel like typing anymore so I am going to lie down for a bit before beginning my homework.

Yeap.

"Lord grant me wisdom, a passionate love for, and an absolute trust and confidence in, YOU and none but you"