My Walk: An Entry Nobody Will Have the Patience, Care, or Desire to Read All Of

Hello.

I haven't updated in a while. I feel like there is a lot on my mind. Possibly even so much that I don't even know where to begin.

My spiritual life. It's a bit difficult to describe actually. I'm having a hard time discerning where things are at. I hesitate to say all is good. Because I don't really think it is.

In my conversations with my new mentor, Mike Whang, we came to the conclusion that I am in the process of rebuilding my faith. He explained to me that in many occasions, a lot of youngsters grow up with pastors and bible study teachers building their faith for them. They don't undergo a ton of searching and exploration usually, and their foundations can be weak. This is usually because they have not done much faith-building on their own.

Though the phenomenon is only somewhat an accurate description of what I feel happened for me, I can definitely testify that aspects of my faith are (and have never been) on a solid footing. I have had some foundational problems that have stunted my growth. I guess it's kind of like a game of Jenga, my faith being the type of Jenga tower that's missing a few pieces near the base and has a few awkwardly-positioned ones around the middle. Needless to say, even if the rest of it has been perfectly built, it's still going to waiver and wobble during a season of challenge and turbulence.

The past few months have been both the worst and the best for my spiritual life. In some ways I feel like I have been thrust into a situation I was not ready for. I realized I was much more spiritually weak and less dependent on God as I thought I was. My faith was challenged in my religion class, temptations hit me from all angles, and deep internal questions and Satan's deceptions and doubts have tugged at me like an abusive mother yanks her child's hand.

I have weathered much of it with no issue, but if there's one thing God made clear, it was that I am weak and needy. Weak on my own, and needy of his strength, love, and mercy. He also showed me that I need to rebuild my faith, starting with some basics.

At this point, it is unclear to me how I need to do this. I think that it probably needs to start with identifying my lacking areas and weak foundations. Only then can I build. Yet nothing really comes to mind when I ask myself "Where are you lacking Alex?"

Actually, I think I know. I think I am in great need for greater intimacy, closeness, and love between me and God. My faith really became at some point, more about knowing and understanding than about surrendering and responding to what I knew. Not that my intentions were ever wrong, but my focus was off. I used to eat up sermons and resources with an unappeased appetite and I became a bit of a sermon geek.

Though these certainly increased my understanding and faith, they worked much more of my brain than my heart. I really have so much more of my heart to surrender to God. I am too independent. I am too selfish. I am so often in denial. I am too prideful. I am too worldly and unholy. I am too far from God.

Thankfully (seriously), His grace covers these things and in the midst of my inadequacies and transgressions, I find understanding and love in Him. Yet I can't help but feel distant and ache for closeness with my Maker.

I long so much for a tangible relationship with Jesus. I dislike the idea of faith. I wish Jesus was here! Or I wish I was in heaven. Every metaphor that Christians like to use (bowing down at his feet, laying our _____ at his feet, etc), I want to be able to do literally. I want to be with Jesus. I want to be away from this world and this life.

I wish I had more joy in Christ instead of so much aching, discomfort, and repenting.

Where are you, Lord!? I would not be surprised if he was asking the same of me tonight.

I guess we'll have to wait and see where this goes. At the end of the day, I realize I have to take another look at my relationship with Jesus, fix and mend certain things, restore and rebuild some foundations, draw closer to Him, and have more intimacy with Him.

I hope he wants to do the same with/for me. I believe He does, so I'm pretty optimistic.

Lord work in me a new passion. Allow me to enjoy you once more, to find joy and ecstasy in my time spent with you. Heal my faith and give it new life, Oh life giver. I need more of you. I want more of you. Yet I am confused and lost as you understand and know full well Lord. May your hand be upon my eyes and my ears, that I may see and hear you.

Amen.